


all my life i've been fighting a war

by tsukishimakei



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/F, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Lena Luthor-centric, Smoking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-04
Updated: 2017-11-04
Packaged: 2019-01-29 11:11:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12629691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tsukishimakei/pseuds/tsukishimakei
Summary: (Lillian's voice echoes throughout your mind saying only one word.Betrayal.)





	all my life i've been fighting a war

**Author's Note:**

> this is set after 2x08 but monel never happened :)

You wonder if you deserve this. Deserve to be surrounded by your friends and to be in a place that finally feels like the home you never had.  

Deserve  _her_.  

Lillian would say that you didn't, that you deserve to be locked away just like her and Lex after all that you've done to the family. Is that what you would call it? A family? Families don't tear each other apart like this, don't consume you with enough guilt and pain to cause you to reach for a bottle of whiskey every night.  

(The girl at the checkout counter no longer smiles at you when you go up to her, already knowing that you're about to ask for their largest bottle of Jameson and a packet of Marlboro cigarettes.)  

The smoking isn't new, you've done it since you were seventeen. It started as a new way to piss off Lillian but the sense of rebellion quickly eased off, leaving you with a habit that you've never been able to kick. Kara didn't approve of it, she never said it but you knew in the way she grimaced whenever she saw you reach for your lighter that she wished that you would stop. If she ever asked you, you might consider it. She had an ability to get you to do almost anything.

(Lillian's voice echoes throughout your mind saying only one word.  

_Betrayal_.)

Someone waves their hands in your face and you quickly recoil in on yourself, hands coming up to block whatever you're about to face.   Alex's voice reaches your ears and you begin to relax. You notice that she's taken a few steps back and looks concerned. (You might even say that she's looking at you like you're someone she has to pity.)  

"Sorry, Luthor. You were spaced out for quite a while, we thought we'd lost you," She offers you a smile before she sits back down beside Maggie, throwing an arm over her shoulder and pulling her closer. "It's your turn to pick the movie and please don't make us watch Star Wars. I don't think I could survive seeing Jabba the Hut again."

"I-I need to go outside for a minute. Will you pick for me, Winn?"  You've grabbed your cigarettes and are out the door to the balcony before you hear his response. The familiar feel of the lit cigarette between your fingers calms you down somewhat. 

Looking out at the city you're reminded that Lex will never get to experience this again. He'll never get to see the views from your apartment, never get to experience another trip to the beach or a walk in the park. He's lost the rest of his life. It feels like your fault, you should have been able to stop him before he tried to destroy himself. (Destroy _you_.)

The door opens and quietly clicks shut behind you. Kara appears at your side, reaching for you, she begins to rub soft circles into the base of your neck. Neither of you speak and you wonder if she's bothered by the smoke that keeps blowing into her face. 

You're the one that breaks the silence. "Do you think that...." you trail off and Kara lowers her hand, letting it rest on the small of your back. "-that I'll end up like Lillian and Lex? I try so hard to do the right thing but it's inevitable isn't it? That I'll become like them?"

"No, I don't think that you'll end up like them. Your family doesn't get to define you, Lena. You're so much more than your last name and you always have been, especially to me. When I first met you I knew that you were nothing like Lex, I trusted you so easily. Rao, you could've told me that you were a vampire and I would've believed you."  

You let out a quiet laugh and lean forward against the railings. She slips in behind you, wrapping her arms around your waist and pressing her face against your shoulder. "A vampire, huh?"

"The red lipstick and collection of black leather shirts don't do any favours in hiding your secret." She nips at your neck and you try to squirm out of her arms but she tightens her hold on you, continuing her onslaught against your neck.

"People might start to suspect that it's you who's the vampire and not me if you keep this up."   

"Fine, I'll stop but know that your secret is safe with me, Bella Swan."  You turn around to face her and raise your left eyebrow up in mock annoyance.  

"If you ever call me that again our relationship is over."  

She raises her hand up to her chest and gasps "You wouldn't dare."  

"Try me, Zor-el."  

She tilts her head as if to examine you before she speaks "You know, you kinda look like Bella," You push her away and start to walk off. "Hey! I was only joking. Come back!"

"I was going to go back inside anyway, I need a drink. Are you coming?"

"Do you not want to talk anymore about what's bothering you? I know that you were upset when you came out here." She reaches out for your hand and gives it a gentle squeeze.

( She could break you so easily if she wanted to.

A God among men,

You're nothing compared to her, compared to her strength, her kindness.  

She's lost her entire world and yet here you are, distraught over your family.

You're  _pathetic_.)

"I'm Irish, darling. We don't talk about what's bothering us. Why do you think we're a nation of alcoholics?"

Your heritage isn't something that you bring up often, Lillian's disapproval still weighing heavily on your shoulders. She hated your accent when you first arrived, it was too rough, too heavy. It still slips through even after all of these years, Kara always making you say words with hard t's in them.

("Why can't you say it? Do they hate the letter in Ireland?"

You shut her up with a flick to the forehead.

"Sorry, sorry! You know that I think that you're _great_." pronouncing great like greash.

She moved out of the way before you had a chance to lunge for her.)

"Will you talk to me when everyone else is gone?"

You smile softly and squeeze her hand back. "Of course I will."

The chances of you talking to her about this are slim, you don't think she'd care if she knew. Your brother was the one who almost killed her cousin, why would she care that you miss him? That you feel responsible for what happened to him? There's a large part of you that still feels like you could've saved him, saved his mind. But you didn't, you stayed away because you didn't recognise the man he was becoming. You were too scared, too young to do anything but watch. ( _Betrayal._ )

Maggie throws a twix bar at the window and startles you both "Hey, lovebirds! Hurry up! Mamma Mia is about to start." Kara laughs and opens the door, pulling you along behind her.

She sits down in an armchair and pats her lap, grinning up at you. It takes you a few seconds to get settled, leaning your full weight against her chest and letting her wrap her arms around you.

"I love you so, so much," she whispers into your ear. "You don't have to tell me what's going on if you don't want to, okay? But I promise that I'll always be here for you, no matter what."

You turn your head slightly and kiss her, pressing your lips together briefly before pulling away. "Thank you, Kara. I love you too."

Too much has happened to you for you to ever be completely okay but Kara grounds you. She reminds you that you don't have to be Lena Luthor, you can just be Lena. Looking around the room, you think that these people can help you too, they don't see you as a monster or a bitch or whatever title the public is using for you now.

(Lillian's voice has faded from your mind.

You're left with an overwhelming sense of _something_.

You think this is what it feels like to be happy.)

**Author's Note:**

> i am irish btw but my accent is much worse than katies i cant even say better properly


End file.
